Sam's Inner Brain

Jennel has two children, Zachary (2) and Brianna (1.5) and she is pregnant with a third child. What bugs the shit out of me, and makes me cry is that her parenting techniques SUCK! When she disciples Zachary, she will put him in his room and close the door so that he can't get out. He will bang on that door for as long as he is in there! Also, when it is bed time, she puts him in his room and closes the door, so that when he wakes up, he bangs on the door until she wakes up to let him out. And sometimes... that can be as long as a couple hours. All I'm gonna say is, "for real, you can't hear that pounding? I am upstairs and i can hear it through the whole apartment." It is child neglect and it fucking frustrates me. There is not a significant difference between discipline time and bed time, there needs to be a significant difference, i think. (I don't know, i don't have kids, but i assume a child gate would be better used for discipline than closing the door. He wakes up and she won't let him out, so he assumes he's done something wrong and he cries. Its like being punished for having to go to sleep, the poor kid is confused!!) She obviously does not have the patience for a two year old. How the fuck is she gonna be able to take care of three kids. Poor Zachie just wants attention. This morning he began banging at about 5:55 and she opened the door at about 6:30. She spoke to him and closed the door again! He cried and cried and cried until she opened the door again at 6:50. I got up the nerve to go down there and offer to take him for a bit. But she didn't answer the door, i stood there and knocked for a good 4 to 5 minutes. She had to have heard me. I heard him crying and banging on that door! Pissed me off. Matt told me, "if you get my nephew taken away from my brother because you called CPS, then i will never speak to you again." CHILD NEGLECT IS NOT OKAY!!!! FUCK...

I often feel like I'm talking to the wind. I feel like no one's really listening to me. I will sometimes talk and possibly ask a question and get no response. Then i have to inquire about whether or not that person heard me and sometimes they heard me, but they weren't paying attention and sometimes its because i talk too softly. I can raise my voice for the people that can't hear me, but for the people that just aren't paying attention, i get really irritated with them. If i am talking, i demand full respect, i remember to give it, so why can't they? If i am talking about a particular subject, don't just nod and tell me about yourself and spend the next twenty minutes talking about you. I hate that shit. Its not about you right now. If i am talking, i just want people to acknowledge me. How do i get people to acknowledge me? Do i have to write everything down on a dry-erase board and hand it to them so they will know that I am speaking? (I seem to get more across when i write things down anyway.) Just give me your full attention thats all i ask. Thats all i really want.

Normally, around this time, this time of the monthly, i am very irritated, emotional, moody, whatever. It happens. Its not a big surprise, for me at least, i am used to it. My boyfriend still doesn't get it. I don't really enjoy being touched, and I don't like to touch him. Anyone. I like to be alone for the most part. Today he was horny, again, shocker. And we went to the bedroom and he was kissing on me. His mustache whiskers were poking me, very irritating. I was holding back, but he pursued me anyway. Which, of course, irritated me more. He then moved my hand down to where he wanted it, and told me "he" missed me. And i said, "he" had me yesterday. He didn't get it, i wasn't into it, but i tried to be for him. Argh. I was irritated that i had to try to be interested because i didn't want him to think i was putting him off or getting it elsewhere, which is still in the back of his mind every time he is "denied". Pretty soon, i was so mad, i just started to cry. I didn't want to let him down, and so i tried to continue to please him. Until i sniffled and he asked me if i was crying. I told him i was sorry and that i just wasn't that into it. He rolled over and held me and told me that it was okay, that I didn't have to do it anymore. I just sobbed harder. I want to please my man, but I couldn't do it right then. Am I supposed to just suck it up and please him, and disregard my own feelings? I hate feeling this way.

My brother and sister think I am going to take their picture. They are such good sports! I love those funny faces

sorry its so dark. lets see if this works... Sledding

Is getting married right for you? What do you need to know before you walk down the aisle? Dr. Phil advises you to take a closer look at yourself and the relationship before tying the knot. Ask yourself these questions. Why are you getting married? Be honest and evaluate the reasons behind your engagement. Write a list of pros and cons about your partner and your relationship. If you have to talk yourself into marriage — don't. If you have to talk your fiancé into marriage — no way! Make sure you are not getting married to escape or avoid something. Have you just always wanted to get married? That's not a good enough reason. If you get nauseous shopping for a wedding dress or seem to be sick every time you have to meet the caterer, listen to your body. Do you know and trust your partner's personal history? The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior. Learn from it. How has your partner behaved in past relationships? How have they behaved with you? What has your partner learned about marriage from his/her parents? Look closely at your partner's parents — children learn what they live. Have you planned a marriage — or just a wedding? Cake, flowers and fine china are all exciting, but there's more at stake than one day. Your wedding is a day; a marriage is a lifetime. You don't just want to be married, you want to be happily married. Think about the next 50 years. Put at least the same amount of time and effort that you are using to plan your wedding into planning your marriage. Develop an emotional prenuptial agreement with your partner, outlining how you'll handle children, discipline, sex, money, division of labor, religion, careers, retirement, in-laws, geography, etc. If you don't plan for and discuss these topics, you won't be able to successfully merge two lives together. Are you investing more than you can afford to lose? Look at the cost of your relationship. If you have to give up your friends, career, or family, for example, the cost is too high. If it all falls apart, are you going to be emotionally bankrupt? It is better to be healthy alone, than sick with someone else. Have you identified and communicated your needs and expectations? Know yourself. You can't determine if somebody is good for you if you don't know your own needs. It's not selfish to have goals within a relationship. Express your needs and expectations now — not when you're already in the marriage. What are your absolute deal breakers? Do you know your partner's? Related Links * A Good Marriage * Ten Relationship Myths * In a Rush to Get Married? * Robin's Words of Wisdom for Newlyweds * Roles in Marriage * Marriage and Divorce: The Statistics * Top Three Threats to Your Marriage * Marriage Hungry

So he tells me his car isn't in good driving condition, that the breaks are worn down too much to drive it at all. He tells me this, and so i put him on my car insurance, which hikes it up about $22 extra dollars that he gives me a hard time about paying! He drives my car, without ever putting more than $5 in a week, and i end up spending about $30 just so i can go wherever i want to go and make sure that there's enough gas in it for him to get to work. ANYWAY... His work called yesterday and said that they were ELIMINATING third shift, but they were offering him a position on first. He was the ONLY temp to be offered a job on another shift, everyone one else was just laid off. So he still has a job and that is a very good thing. But so, i told him i didn't get out of work until 7:30am and he had to be to work at 6am. I asked him if he was going to take the bus. I know he HATES the bus. He has too much pride, but considering the circumstances, I really didn't see what other choice he had. He said he would probably have to take the bus in the morning. I was glad. But then i got home this morning. Guess what? You know it. His car was gone. Okay, now I'm sorta, kinda, really pissed off. He has no brakes on this car (so he says) and its really icy out this morning. He has no INSURANCE. AND... either he's been lying to me this whole time so he didn't have to drive his POS (not my fucking problem, i should say, he MADE me take the fucking bus for 2 years, when his car was supposedly problematic back then too, i hold that grudge) or I am sure his excuse will be that he woke up too late to take the bus. I will think/say: "You fucking asshole. You are so irresponsible!! No insurance on a snowy day in a car with no brakes. You are asking for trouble! And if nothing happens to you this day, you will be coming off my insurance and driving that POS. Cuz you can do it on a day like today, you can do it ANY FUCKING DAY!" I am soooooooooo pissed.

My friend called in to work last night just because she didn't want to go. She has called in so much this month. Her doctor has told her that it will be okay if they fire her for not going to work because she has a health condition and her doctor will help her fight her work for firing her. Not only is my friend doing MUCH better since her surgery, the reasons she calls in are not for her health condition at all. I will spend an almost entire day with her, and then she will call in to work and tell them that she got sick and had all these issues, issues i never saw when i was with her ALL DAY!! wtf? I am actually getting very irritated with her lack of responsibility. She moved into an apartment with only one bedroom for herself and her daughter because it was $150 cheaper. But now she can't seem to get out of the continuous cycle of payday advances. She complains all the time that she doesn't have any money and that she will be late on her rent because she has to pay on these payday loans. She should be on top of her bills, and now she is calling in all the time. I don't think they will be excusing her behavior for very much longer. She is scheduled to work Wednesday and she asked for it off, i guarantee she wont show up and they will try to fire her and she will try to SUE THEM because she has HEALTH ISSUES. Not right! I wont be on her side this time. I will tell them the truth. She can't lie about this shit forever! I am so irritated!

This morning i went to the farmers market and bought a quart of strawberries for $3.50. Then my friend and I drove to Russ' restaurant on Alpine, where we found out that breakfast was only being served, for the next 40 minutes. But since i had a hankering for a grilled cheese sandwich (it sounds silly, i know, but they make really good grilled cheese sandwiches!!) we decided to leave. We saw signs for a couple garage sales, so we stopped to look. I never find anything i want, but my friend usually buys a bunch of junk she doesn't really need. At one of the garage sales, i picked up a canister, and the lid fell off and it broke a glass cup nearby. I apologized profusely to the woman, i told her i would buy it cuz i broke it, she acted as if she wished i would just leave. I told my friend, "time to go." But of course, she wasn't done shopping yet. We drove around through country roads, "searching" for garage sales, yet just enjoying the scenery and breezes coming in through the window. We stopped at a candy store for some fudge, all they had was walnut fudge, but i caved and bought some anyway, even though plain milk chocolate is my favorite. We got lost at one point, having to turn around. We saw a turtle in the road so we pulled over and scared it (slowly) back into the woods so he wouldn't get run over. Then we thought, how can we blow some more money? i dont really know if it went down like that, but we ended up at the movie theater. We saw M. Night's new flick, "The Happening". It was much like the previews... what's it about? i havent a clue! Lets go see the movie... ok! After the movie... what's it about? I havent a clue! So there you have it. Its a movie that doesnt have any answers. And that was my day! :)

This is the only place to vent, because if i vent on my blog on myspace, my friend would surely read it and get mad at me for accusing her of "such things". I have known Lisa for about 2.5 years. The first time i met her was during a job interview at the store i would be transferring to. We were introduced by the manager giving the interview. She told me she thought i looked preppy. At first, we got along alright, but when we were around other people, she would cut me down to make herself look better. He favorite comeback to everything was "FACE!" (whatever the hell that means, right?) Over time, we would make up and fight and make up and fight again. She would talk shit about my boyfriend, and i would go home and cry about how much i hated my job and i hated Lisa. My boyfriend began to hate her too. (He still doesn't like her very much, and I think maybe it should stay that way because some day, shit is going to hit the fan.) Anyways, during one of the very last fights we had, I did some research. She told me she had a very rich uncle. His name was actually on the back of the AirHeads (candy) package. His name was Van Melle. She told me that was her dads brother. I did think it was kind of weird that his name was Van. I knew of the full LAST NAME VanMelle, because what kind of a name is VAN? And she used to call him, "uncle Van". All along, i believed her, i mean why would she lie about that? She used to tell me when her uncle came to visit her, he came in his limo. And when she was going through a financial downfall, i even suggested she ask her uncle for a loan. I guess I'm gullible. Well, i did my research and i found out that this Van Melle was a last name and his first name was actually Issac. I was FURIOUS! I had trusted her. I had thought she was my friend. I wrote her a long note, and included in the P.S. about the information on her "uncle". Then i called her phone and left a message that stated something along the lines of "I'm not your friend, i never really considered you my friend, I'm done." She said she was hurt. Two months went by, we worked side by side and said nothing to one another. Then my boyfriend and I got into a very bad confrontation in which i vowed to move out. When i was shopping after work with a cart full of broken down boxes, i saw her and started to cry. The whole thing with breaking up with my boyfriend and not having anyone to talk to about it, came down on me HARD. She stopped to talk to me. She told me that she was willing to help me find a place to move into. She offered to help me. She was just as willing to listen and help me as if we had never broken off the friendship in the first place. A couple more months went by. My boyfriend and i resolved our issues after several days of tears and talking. I often thought of the "uncle Van" story, and I wanted to bring it up on more than one occasion. I bit my tongue. Until one day when Lisa complained to me that she was going through a bit of a financial struggle. I mentioned she ask her uncle for help. I had that look on my face that says, i caught you in a lie, now when are you going to fess up?? She started laughing! I was confused... She then explained to me when she got that letter i wrote her, she went to a manager (who was supposedly a friend of both of ours) and told her the whole story about how she fed me this information that i believed!! (that's really not funny!) And how she couldn't believe that i believed it all along and how it was SOOOOOO funny that i fell for it. I trusted her... how is that funny? To this day, i always think about how mad Lisa got at me for leaving that message on her phone about how we weren't really friends, but mere acquaintances, and how that "really hurt" her to hear me say that. But if that really hurt her, why did she tell such a big lie. What kind of FRIEND lies to make their friends feel like shit when they find out the truth? What kind of friend LIES?? So now, whenever Lisa tells me things, i wonder if she's telling the truth. Honestly, it was a very petty thing that she lied about. I get a headache every time i talk to her. Sometimes i think i believe what she's saying to me, and other times I'm just like, "no,that can't be true." But i will never know because she lied to me one time. And she has not apologized for it.

i have already goofed. The minimum GPA required to keep the loan is a 2.0, and basically, i am at a 1.0, and when the financial aid office sends a letter to my instructor to find out about my academic progress, they will see that my attendance has been less than perfect. I have managed to miss 4 classes in a row. Thats two complete weeks of not attending school. I cannot say that i tried extremely hard to make it, but i can say that it is hard to work third shift, making sure i get the right amount of sleep before class and then directly before work, so that i am not drained for my 8 or more hour shift. I am actually bummed. I was looking forward to school in the fall, and now i may not be eligible to go. I guess i shall see what my dumbass has done this time. I hate myself sometimes.

I just don't believe in it anymore. Its like they say that you can't see the wind, but you can see the affects of the wind. And you can't see God, but i can't see the affects of God either. And so there becomes that doubt. And I say that I am agnostic, but some part of me, little as it may be, really does believe there is a God, but what the hell is he doing up there? Not helping me. I guess I'm just not important enough.

Everyday that goes by, we wonder, when will be our last? Do we have to make sure we call the ones we love everyday to let them know that we love them, in case something happens to them or us? Would life be so much easier if we could just tell the future? I think, perhaps. Recently, a friend of my boyfriends' passed away. This kid, 19, was preparing to be a father, in just two weeks and preparing for marriage. He was going to marry his high school sweetheart and they were going to name their baby boy, Braiden. On August 22, at 10pm, he made a U-turn into oncoming traffic. The pickup struck the drivers side of the car, and he, not wearing his seat belt, flew across the console, into the lap of his fiancee, crushing her and pinning her to the door. He made a mistake that cost him his life and the life of his unborn child. His fiancee remains in critical care in the ICU, in an induced coma that keeps her from knowing what has happened to her little family that will no longer be. How does this happen? How can there be a God so cruel that would let this happen? Well maybe it wasnt meant to be... but then why a tease? Why a tease of a newborn child, dying just two weeks before it was to be born? Why the tease of being with the person you love and trust, your best friend, in marriage? Why should this girl have to wake up to that kind of reality? She is 18, she has her whole life a head of her, and for what? She has pain now. When she wakes up, there will be emotional pain and the physical pain. Two broken hips, fractured skull, cesarean stitches, having to learn to walk again and learning to walk without her family. So tragic. I would hate God.

I'm finally taking my vacation this thursday, friday and saturday. And hopefully i am not just sitting around the house in my pajamas all day. I want to go out, maybe to the museum or fishing or the IMAX theatre. There's that new "Deep Sea" movie i would like to see... narrated by Johnny Depp and Kate Winslet. It looks entertaining. Maybe i will purchase more things for the apartment. Maybe we will build the tv entertainment center, or put the mirror up above the mantle. Oh, i love my house! Matt will be home Thursday and the weather should be pretty decent, though scattered thunderstorms are in the forecast. Saturday it is supposed to be as warm as 64 degrees with rain, but i dont mind, at least its not snow.

Life is Good...

Matt and I are apartment hunting. Actually, we went out one day and looked at a place and then got a list of their other rentals, and had the woman take us on a tour of Grand Rapids to the very nicest of places and the not so very nice of places.
We did find a place close to downtown, right around the corner from the hospital, in a fairly decent neighborhood.
The house is two aparments, like a duplex, we looked at the downstairs one because a father and son already live upstairs.
The house is grey and white and huge. The apartment is two bedrooms, all hardwood floors, big ceilings, newly remodled kitchen, big windows, with window seats underneath them, an enclosed front porch with new windows and solid oak french doors that lead into the house. The two bedrooms are connected with a rather large bathroom.
Matt is going to turn one of the bedrooms into his sports/video game room, and I am going to see if i cant convince him to let me put my computer in there.
The basement has free laundry facilities and last but not least... there is a fireplace, a log burning fireplace... and they are only asking $600/mo. for it. At first they were like, the girl before you paid $700 for 3 years, but we are only asking $650 and Matt spoke up and was like, well, i can swing $600 and it was set.
They ran a credit check and checked the reference on the apartment we are at now and everything is lined up. We can move in when we want. Which will be in like 3 weeks, but hey, its good to be prepared.
Maybe i can get pics later. I am so psyched!

Sometimes i wonder what happens to people.
They go away to school. They meet new people. They develop new friendships. They make new lives for themselves. And their friends, the people they left back home, should be happy for them.
Maybe I am just bitter. Maybe I and jealous. Maybe I think my friends shouldnt forget about me.
My best friend, in the whole world (does that make me sound childish?) did just that. Then she got married and i never hear from her.
2005 seemed to be the year for me to lose my friends. I dont think I changed that much. I met a man that takes good care of me and makes me feel like a queen. That has changed, that feeling of self worth. I feel better about myself. But I have never let my man come between my frienships.
Dawn told me she didn't call me anymore because she didnt care if we were friends or not.
Tracey just stopped calling. (i think it was because of the distance, but i hate people who dont like to make an effort)
Amy, told me that we were too different, with different backgrounds, that we didnt think the same and that i was too much of a challenge to be friends with. She didnt want to be my friend anymore, and then she told me that on my birthday.
My married friend, came home for the summer. We discussed how long we had been friends, nine years! (my mom said thats pretty good seeing as how my friend went away to school, like 3 states over) My friend means the world to me. I always talked to her about everything, and now it seems i cant. I resent her, somewhat for not even calling me to tell me the good news! I am happy for her, if she cares at all.
It just seems that she is to busy to involve me in her life. And i feel taken for granted. I feel pushed aside. I dont feel important. And yet, i still care.
I believe that if something is important to you then you make an effort to keep it alive. If someone is important to you, you spend time with them, you make time for them and you keep them updated on your life. Not just call them when you want something, like their address so you can send them an invitation to something you had no idea about in the first place.

:D I am moving on Saturday, hooray!

There is not much going on. I have been packing and cleaning and making my apartment somewhat presentable for when i move out. But its not like im going to get any of my security deposit back, it was paid for me, by the city.

Anyways, Matt took me to dinner at Applebees on Sunday night. He kept looking at me funny and smiling waaaaay too much, and i never suspected a thing. When we got back to his house, he told me he had been nervous at the restaraunt, but he had something he bought for me down in Tennessee.

He handed me a gift wrapped, little square box, and inside was a blue topaz heart-shaped gem (my birthstone) surrounded by a white gold heart and hanging from a chain. It was so small and delicate and beautiful that i forgot to thank him for dinner!!

Then he brought out a second gift, it was a very beautiful and expensive (he forgot to take the price tag off!) jewelry box.

I am soooo excited that i have found a man that treats me right and buys me good presents, not dozens of $1 silk flowers with teddy bears glued to them, and holding little signs that say, "XOXO". I have found myself a man.

Yay!

You've heard of the dog who ate homework, but what about the cat who
unplugged the alarm clock? These days, people are getting very creative
when they don't want to go to work.

But could you get away with saying you had to go to your mother's dog's
funeral or that you had brain cancer? Would you believe an employee who
had the swine flu, forgot the way to work, or was arrested because of
mistaken identity? Think carefully, if you're debating calling in sick, here are some of the most unusual excuses workers gave for missing work.


1. I was sprayed by a skunk.

2. I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.(lol)

3. My bus broke down and was held up by robbers.

4. I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.

5. I forgot to come back to work after lunch.

6. I couldn't find my shoes.

7. I hurt myself bowling.

8. I was spit on by a venomous snake.

9. I totaled my wife's jeep in a collision with a cow.(lol)

10. A hitman was looking for me.

11. My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.

12. I eloped.

13. My brain went to sleep and I couldn't wake it up.

14. My cat unplugged my alarm clock.

15. I had to be there for my husband's grand jury trial.

16. I had to ship my grandmother's bones to India.

17. I forgot what day of the week it was.

18. Someone slipped drugs in my drink last night.

19. A tree fell on my car.

20. My monkey died.

(I called in one time with the excuse that i had just broken up with my boyfriend and it had turned into an all day yelling match and i didnt get any sleep... boy, was my boss mad. I thought it was a ligitamate excuse!)

:shock:

My ex just sent me an email to let me know that he is going to be a father! Yikes! (and) Glad it wasnt me! HA!

 :) On to better things, I got my notice in the mail for when i take the exam for a job at the post office. And Matt is supposed to be going on the road for a whole MONTH and then when he gets back he will get 3 weeks off paid. I guess that is good. I am worried about him though, i think the main reason he wants me to move there now is because he hates driving to Kalamazoo every weekend. a) because his car isnt doing so good and b) because gas costs soo much.

But i think if i got a job at the p.o. then i could just work here awhile and transfer there after awhile.. 4 months IS a little too soon to shack up. And besides, this is a career opportunity for me. And i guess if i dont do well on the exam, i can just move there when Matt returns. I hate not knowing what is going on...

:D I have decided to move to Grand Rapids...

I decided that i want to get away from Kalamazoo for awhile and see what its like up there. I will go to a community college, not Aquinas (because i found out its like a Catholic college and I have kind of declared myself Agnostic at this point in my life. And besides, the tuition costs are through the roof there!)

I will finally be 24y/o this December and I can apply for financial aid on my own now, without my parents permission or help, or lack thereof.

I will be able to see what it is like to live with a man who knows how to work and keep a freakin' job and not have to rely on only myself to support two people. I love him so much!

I bought a guinea pig and named it Alfie. (and no, i havent seen that movie with Jude Law) It is brown with one collick in the middle of the top of its head. I call it an it because I originally had thought it to be a male and so i named it Alfie, short for a Alfalfa which he likes to eat. Then Matt pointed out to me, that (she) doesnt have any testicles, therefore, leaving me with a female piggy. And I dont know what to call her, maybe, Darla? Ha ha.

I decided to blow $50 on the animal after I called up Miss Dawn one day to ask her to go swimming in her apartment complexes pool. And she didnt call me back so i called her again and said that i would be ok with me if she told me no. Well, at work the next day, she told my friend, Chris, that she hates it when I invite myself over to her house. That was irritating. So i called her and i was like, i heard what you said and I'm kinda hurt because its not like you ever call me and ask me to do anything with you. And you know what her reply was? "I don't ever call you because I dont really care if we are friends or not!" What a witch. I was hurt.

I mean, why waste my time and yours if you didnt even want me around when we did hang out and I had to invite myself over because she never called before. Why not tell me that she didnt want to be my friend? And so, i have Alfie, the unconditional loving guinea pig.

Animals are great. They love us no matter what. And they are physically here so that makes them all the more better.

Anyway, thats the most i can say for an update. I am happy. And in 3 weeks, i will be in G.R. Yay!

:D My car made the trip to G.R. and i was sooo nervous, but so grateful that the light off the exit ramp was green and i didnt have to stop on a hill and fear not being able to get up it...

FYI: i have a broken motor mount on my car... and my boyfriend missed his bus home so i had to drive him.

I made it there and back safely and found out my car gets excellent gas mileage!

Dr Phil's Test:     Here you go. Try this!
   
    Below is Dr Phil's test. (Dr. Phil scored 55; he did this test
on Oprah - she got a 38.) Some folks pay a lot of money to find this
stuff out!
   
    Read on, this is very interesting!
   
    Don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes. Take this test for yourself and send it to your
friends.
   
Don't peek, but begin the test as you scroll down and answer.
   
    Answers are for who you are now...... not who you were in the
past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready. This is a real test given by
the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees. It's only 10 Simple questions, so...grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers to each question.
    & nbsp; 
    Ready??
   
    Begin...
   
      1. When do you feel your best?
          a) in the morning
          b) during the afternoon &and early evening
          c) late at night
   
    2. You usually walk...
          a) fairly fast, with long steps
          b) fairly fast, with little steps
          c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
          d) less fast, head down
          e) very slowly
   
    3. When talking to people you..
          a) stand with your arms folded
          b) have your hands clasped
          c) have one or both your hands on your hips
          d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
          e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair
   
    4. When relaxing, you sit with..
          a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
          b) your legs crossed
          c) your legs stretched out or straight
          d) one leg curled under you
   
    5. When something really amuses you, you react with...
          a) big appreciated laugh
          b) a laugh, but not a loud one
          c) a quiet chuckle
          d) a sheepish smile
   
    6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...
          a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
          b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
          c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed
   
    7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted......
          a) welcome the break
          b) feel extremely irritated
          c) vary between these two extremes
   
    8. Which of the following colors do you like most?
          a) Red or orange
          b) black
          c) yellow or light blue
          d) green
          e) dark blue or purple
          f)  white
          g) brown or gray
   
    9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are..
          a) stretched out on your back
          b) stretched out face down on your stomach
          c) on your side, slightly curled
          d) with your head on one arm
          e) with your head under the covers
   
    10. You often dream that you are...
          a) falling
          b) fighting or struggling
          c) searching for something or somebody
          d) flying or floating
          e) you usually have dreamless sleep
          f) your dreams are always pleasant
   
    POINTS:
          1. (a) 2  (b) 4  (c) 6
          2. (a) 6  (b) 4  (c) 7  (d) 2  (e) 1
          3. (a) 4  (b) 2  (c) 5  (d) 7  (e) 6
          4. (a) 4  (b) 6  (c) 2  (d) 1
          5. (a) 6  (b) 4  (c) 3  (d) 5  (e) 2
          6. (a) 6  (b) 4  (c) 2
          7. (a) 6  (b) 2  (c) 4
          8. (a) 6  (b) 7  (c) 5  (d) 4  (e) 3  (f) 2 (g) 1
          9. (a) 7  (b) 6  (c) 4  (d) 2  (e) 1
         10. (a) 4  (b) 2  (c) 3  (d) 5  (e) 6  (f) 1
   
    Now add up the total number of points.
   
    OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle
with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely
dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.
   
    51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile,
rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make
decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once;  someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.
   
    41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming,
amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced  not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.
   
    31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful &
practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not
a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's
extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same  loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.
   
    21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy.
They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady
plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something
impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine
everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.
   
    UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and
indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.

What is new with me? I am sad a lot. I am sad because my boyfriend is concerned about distance. His job just now is taking of onto the road and that means we will be seeing a lot less of eachother.

I told him i would move to G.R. when he wanted me to, but he said it was too early and i agree. But how are we supposed to get to know eachother to figure out when it isnt too soon anymore, if we are spending less and less time together?

I asked him outright yesterday if he was insecure. Normally i would suggest in a question why a person was that way, but this time i came right out and asked him. He said he was. I dont understand why. I know sometimes i get down on myself, but i remember that i have a hottie boyfriend that loves me. It makes me feel good.

I love him sooo much. He wants me to be strong even if he decides that he cant handle the distance anymore and calls for a temporary break. I am ok with the distance. I told him that it creates character and it makes us anxious and excited for the next time we'll see eachother. It gives us something to look forward to. And it makes us take nothing for granted.

Like his car situation. I took that for granted. I thought he can just always come see me even if my car is pretty much out of comission. And now that his car is wrecked, it messed up some things. I am getting my car fixed tomorrow and hopefully that will resolve some stresses for him.

Hmm... i miss him. But i love him. And when you love someone you try your darndest to make things work out. Even if there is a distance issue.

My dad always told me, "If its gonna be, its up to me." And i believe that.

:D  I find it funny when i send Matt a text and it has this little smiley face on it and he's like, whats up with the colon and the capital "D" and I'm just like, dude, that's a super smiley face. He doesnt get "IM" lingo i guess... He hates the internet.

I am sooo stinking hungry...i will write more after the weekend, I am going to Matts for 3 days yay!

ESFP

You're a fun-loving outgoing person and are naturally drawn to people...you are quite enthusiastic and exuberant...and usually well-liked by others.. you're good at meeting people and helping them enjoy themselves...you are sympathetic towards people and generous with your time and money. You wanna be where the action is and will see things in your own special way...

You're aware what is going on around you and notice stuff that others miss. You're popular and gregarious and are often busy in social stuff...you are instigators of activity and like to be "where the action is..."...you like laughing at yourself and others....you like to help others and often join organizations that letcha do that..if you work as a teenager, chances are that you'll take a job that lets you interact with others (gift shop, waiter, anywhere you can charm or shmooze)....you're "on stage" often...

You're the eternal optimist, and always seem to land on your feet, somehow. (gee, all this stuff shows you might be good in the Storm Palace pubs..) you can interact with people of all ages, backgrounds or types with no problem.. you learn best when you can interact with others and DO things, not just observe or listen about 'em... Teachers are the key to your success.. they have to care about you for you to want to do well..

You don't like conflict or intellectual arguments...you don't like learning by sitting quietly by yourself and reading some boring abstract stuff..."how does it relate to my day-to-day life?!" You know how to motivate others to get the job done...you can link together people and resources...you'd probably be happy being a coach or a receptionist or a therapist...anywhere you could help people and be responsive to 'em...you don't impose your will.

You like teamwork...you can get caught up in others' emotions.. your style is inclusive and allowing others to participate in the decisions..you don't need to suck up all the glory...you like to take breaks and relax..you love being active and going out and doing things with friends...

You're fun to be with and bring enjoyment to situations...you find fun in the moment...your friends are VERY important to you, and I'll bet you tell 'em so and let 'em know it somehow...you like to reach out and touch the lives of others...you like to share your values with those you love... you might move in or out of a relationship depending if it "feels" comfortable..you get kinda hampered with disapproval.. you can overwhelm your partner with all this affection and stuff...when there's a breakup, you can move on and get over it quickly, surrounding yourself with your friends...

Be careful on these: don't spend too much time socializing and not enough on the task at hand. You'll probably talk on the phone rather than work. Also, don't forget to finish what you start..get some planning skills and time management...don't ignore the logical facts, as much as you'd rather go by subjective stuff...finally, don't be so action-oriented that you forget to plan ahead...

ESFP: "Extra Special Friendly Person"

:?  When Matt #1 and i broke up in November, I wanted it to be for good. I was doing alright. Living day to day without caring about him.

In December, Christmas night, actually, he stayed at my house. It was for comfort reasons, i think that  I let him into my house that night. I wished I hadn't. He was an ass to me because I wouldnt have sex with him. So he attempted to help himself in the bathroom. Later that week when i was cleaning the bathroom, i found a picture in the cabinet... of my sister. Please put two and two together so i dont have to explain this.

I was furious! I vowed never to speak to him again and that i would never again be with him. 

Two months passed by... he called me occasionally to see what was up and i never had much to say.  He tried to appologize to me, to tell me that he was making improvements in his life. And sometimes i thought i could see them. And sometimes I just got lonely.

I called him the week before Valentines weekend and asked him if he wanted to take me out to dinner for the "holiday". He obliged but not without letting me know that he just got his taxes back and he wanted to make a weekend of it. Chicago. $500 out the window.

We are there, in Chicago, and he says to me, "You know, i dont just take ANYONE to Chicago for a weekend and blow all this money..." blah blah blah... I felt trapped. I became his girlfriend once again. I felt bad that he had spent that money on me and I also felt trapped because my freedom had vanished within my point of understanding. I was walking around with a black raincloud on my head. What was i doing?? I didnt want to be with him... but maybe he had changed, maybe he was better, maybe he could make me happy. And so i settled.

In the past two months, i have witnessed not only the same immaturity that i knew the first two years we dated, but i also learned that his crush on my sister was more serious that both she or I knew. I wanted to lose my lunch a lot of the time. He bet me that she would show him her breasts.  :(

I cried and cried because i was so mad at him. I let him see how much it hurt me that he would talk of her that way and how i felt about the whole picture thing Christmas night. He appologized over and over and over again. He said he was sorry and that if i had said something to him the very first time this had occured, it would be easier for him to let it go. How is that my fault???

But he slowly changed, or so i thought. He talked about her less often and we began focusing our attention on a future together. He wanted to go to truck driving school and we would go on the road together. Then we would marry in a year and have kids and a house in two years. Everything seemed great.

Then the shit hit the fan. Things werent the same anymore. I felt myself losing interest quick. I think I tried to make myself believe that I would be happy with him for the rest of my life. But i was lying to myself.

He still had his pregnant fetish, the infatuation with my sister, and the inability to stay on top of his finances. I saw what i was putting myself into.

When Matt #2 and i hung out, he was so nice to me and understanding and he built me up and smiled  A LOT. He took me away from my unhappy place and put me into an atmosphere that I could get used to. I was happy when i was around him. That mattered to me more than hurting Matt#1's feelings. Granted, it was selfish and probably wrong in many ways, but I had to do something for me. And I did it.

Matt #2 brought me 2 doz. red roses and asked me to be his girlfriend. I like this arraingment much better.

:P I left Matt... for Matt...

It was kinda random actually. I was getting sick of Matt V. and all of his antics, his attraction towards my sister, (that didnt help my complete lack of self confidence) and so I told him I wanted nothing more of him. He was shocked, and really, so was I. Where did I get the guts to follow through on a feeling?

I met Matt B. when he was changing the lights at my work. He is 20 and an electrician.  We have been taking it s-l-o-w so i can get to know him and maybe be something in the future.

I didnt mean to jump from Matt to Matt in the little bit of time that I did, but I guess it works.

I will post more on this later as things arise... hmmm.

:o Unfortunately, this is the same girl that when you have something to say to her, and bring it up as "I feel this way" about her behavior instead of "YOU..." and point fingers, she says to me, "You only FEEL this way because you didnt get your way." I dont see how I can be a friend to her.

:( I have been feeling very crappy lately. I actually called into work last night, the first time in like a year. I have had a tension headache for like 24 hours and i finally got some meds for it. Now I am just chillin at the computers... My head is still a little heavy, but I am happy to be out of the house and being normal again... ugh!

I tried praying about it, but alas, nothing... and I just got a second job at McDonalds and i was uber-nervous about it and i caused myself to get sick. Its weird how our bodies tell us things... like, "Chill out, man! Look what you did to yourself..." So i am recooperating and feeling slightly better.

This guy that I work with, whom I've hung out with before and we are cool most of the time (except for when he doesnt pull his weight at work), was complaining about another girl that we work with, who is kinda my friend, but only when it really benefits her. She always has problems with this guy who "bothers her" and "won't leave her alone". So i mentioned something to another guy friend that i work with and he told me he would say something to the Botherer if she wanted him to. And i relayed the message onto her, she never said anything, so we came to the conclusion that she likes the attention more than she cares if he is bugging her or not.

Anyways... back to the guy that was complaining about her, his name is Steve. Well, Steve was telling me that hes really into her, although she has a boytoy (She's 22, he's 17, YIKES!) Thats why i call him a boytoy and not her b/f. And this girl keeps leading Steve on. Tells him to come over cuz she is lonely and her b/t isn't available to hang out. Then Steve will go over there and she will be home and the b/t is THERE! Blah, Drama! She like purposely does this every time. Anyway, to make a long story short, I tell him that he should put his foot down and tell her to stop playing with his heart, then i mention that i do believe that she likes the attention. Then he complains about other things about her and I back him up with his assumptions.

Okay, so she's somewhat my friend, right? I wasnt expecting this to go any further. I didnt expect Steve to stab me in the back by going and telling her everything I said about her, but none of his imput on the matter. Is it wrong for me to want to smash his face into the cement? He had no right to say anything to her. Should i just forget about her because she only seems to be a convienience friend or should i tell her how i feel about her behavior? I dont know. I think maybe I am better off not being her friend at all sometimes. She is really selfish most of the time and she never calls... only if it will benefit her.

I am very irritated!

I can't wait until summer rolls around. It's like 51* outside right now, kinda chilly, but I'm wearing short sleeves and anticipating warmer weather. For some reason though, anticipation doesn't make it come any faster.

I will write more later...

"I wanna be there when you call.
I wanna catch you when you fall.
I wanna be the one you need,
I wanna be the one you breathe.

I wanna be there when you cry.
And when you're down, I'll help you fly.
I wanna be the one you need,
I wanna be the one you breathe."
-Seether, 2004

(I can't recall the name of the song, though)

:) This post is for Hope...

Guess who i saw on March 31st?  He came into Meijer and i was working back by the CD's and he approached me and asked me where he could cash his check. (Well, silly, not in the CD's, where would you think?)

Anyway, I've kept you in suspense long enough... it was David Saddler!

Haha!

He looked a little different, he still had that baby face, but it was covered in thick, bushy hair, not the peach fuzz from High School, but a whole beard and everything.

Its kinda funny how when you see someone you havent seen in awhile, how many times you ask them how they are doing because you are too stunned to think of anything else to say.

He told me he was still living in K'zoo with his grandma and he was working in Three Rivers, he didn't say where. And i didnt say much. I think i was blushing, and he never took his eyes off mine, which made me ultra nervous. He notice i colored my hair, though, that was cool.

I told him that you (Hope) was still in Minnesota and he said you should be finishing up soon.

But it was exciting... now i just want to see Glenn Willis one more time, that will be the day! Geez, i think i would faint. I actually remembered that it was Glenn's birthday when David Saddler came into Meijer. How weird...

 

 

:D Someone just cooked popcorn and it smells sooooo gooooood!

:) Usually its Twizzlers that make mouths happy, but currently, my mouth is happy with Jelly Belly's.  Typically, i will just pop them in one at a time, but sometimes i like to mix them to make real food. Not like Jones Sodas' Thanksgiving meals.... a soda that tastes like turkey? Or one that tastes like mashed potatoes and gravy, and sells for $20 for a 4-pack... thats just rediculous!

And so i prefer mixing peanut butter and grape flavored Jelly beans to make myself a  PB&J sandwich.

Occasionally, i like the random flavors i get, except maybe coffee and buttered popcorn... (together or apart, they are my least favorite!)

I encourage you to pick up a pack today and enjoy the uniqueness of the Jelly Belly. YUM!

:wink:

Matt is changing... everything is changing... He has grown so much in the time that we were apart. He is making an effort. I encourage him and i am proud of him. He makes me smile.

I think i will invest in a set of rabbit ears this week, then i can watch Dr. Phil after work. I am happy.

I was actually asked to be on the Dr. Phil show this past January. What happened was i sent an email about problems in a past relationship and then they called me and asked me if I would get Matt to come with me onto the Dr. Phil show. I declined, but a PAID FOR trip to CALI wouldnt have been so bad. Oh well...

I never actually wanted to be on the show, i just wanted a response, in writing. I dont know how much i would like to spill my relationship guts all over national T.V.

Reminds me of Hope Floats...

:? Well, like i had said, Matt and I are back on. This is where i am comfortable and content. I dont care what anyone else thinks. I am tired of people telling me what i should do, instead of letting me make my own way. I need to feel like I can do things on my own and that sense of freedom that I thought I lost, yeah, that was my lack of responsibility, my selfishness in being able to be with other people and no commitment, "no strings", having fun and doing what i wanted to do. I figured I needed to grow up sometime, now is as best a time as any.

I still love Matt and letting go was eating away at me, its better this way, I think we are supposed to be together. He is changing and i am very proud of him.

:?  Matt and I are back on... not sure how I feel about it, yet. My sense of freedom has vanished and I feel trapped. Weird... I guess I will see how far it goes this time. I think he is making a viable effort though. He is taking me to Chicago this weekend and it should be fun. An all expense paid trip to the Windy City. YAY!

I wrote Chris a nice (well, I'm not sure how nice it was, but i got a lot of feelings off my chest and that was nice) letter telling him how i felt about him and he was too tired to remember to throw it away and his girlfriend found it! Yikes! Apparently, amoung other things, I am a "boyfriend stealer" LOL. And now we cant hang out. Maybe its for the better. Cuz now shes not in the dark about anything and she can't blame anyone but herself when she didnt leave him the first time she suspected something about us.

I'm lonely...

:( I've got this emptiness floating inside me... i am beginning to wonder if i believe in God anymore. I mean when i really trusted in him, and i prayed, i feel the same now as when i am not sure if i believe and i dont pray. Does that make sense???

Ok... its like this. I used to be super duper into Jesus... yeah, God rocks! right? I used to pray all the time like i was just having a conversation... with the wind. And now i dont pray becuase i dont believe in prayer and i get the same results... nothing. So maybe thats a good reason to not believe in God.

Someone is going to comment on this...

Hope got me involved... guilty by association.
I'm tired and i have to work tonight.. yay! But the Pepsi boy will be there and it makes it all good.:wink: